HAPPY END OF THE WORLD

Having gone to Brandeis and Harvard and discovering how grass on the other side could be simultaneously not as green and greener, it was all opium, government corruption, crime, and policing in Shanghai for two days. Then yesterday, I went for a haircut, got invitations for the luncheon, bought a winter coat that was spotted by Xing at my first sample sale, and shopped around. Not leaving my house for two days made me so aware of everything outside of it (or maybe just being in the Swarthmore bubble did it), it felt really good. The experience of getting my haircut in itself was engrossing, like how the woman washed my hair for ten minutes, and how the guy who cut my hair was so worked up about my bangs being angled and not traditional that when I tried to suggest he cut them at less of an angle he kept sighing and saying traditional bangs would look weird and bad and that he was using a special technique that I wouldn't find elsewhere, and how the place kept playing Backstreet Boys music videos that I didn't realize were the Backstreet Boys until after the first three. It was too much for me I think, I won't be returning.

Random thoughts have snuck up on me, like Halloween and whattobe. I'm thinking Margaret from Rushmore, but I'm not sure if that'd be too obscure. I was Maxwell from Maxwell's Silver Hammer off Abbey Road in high school and people didn't get it, which wasn't too fun. I figure a school as small and generally unknown as Swarthmore would thrive on obscurity but I doubt people would recognize the resemblance. Maybe Swarthmore does thrive on obscurity in that everyone's tastes and preferences are so obscure that hardly anyone else gets it, could such a thing happen. Anyway, midterms are coming and I'm in more need of studying. ALAS

C

our foyer




desk and wall of polidori photograph, seahorse, octopus, picture of sloth and child, septa schedule, etc




bed and wall of magazine cutouts, postcards, posters, new yorker cover, memory

The family went to Maine for two days. We left Tuesday night, to break up the drive. Dad occasionally switched off the headlights and dashboard light. for kicks I suppose. He said he liked driving into the darkness. It was story-telling time, he told us about his travels with Mom in Europe. Stuff they did then couldn't possibly be done now, totally different world. We got to Haverhill around midnight and headed to Portland the next morning. The drive was mostly scenic, it was quite nice. The people there seem to live relatively easy lives. I kept seeing the same people over and over again (there are only so many places one can go) and I was reminded of Swat. We visited the Portland Museum of Art, saw an exhibition called Paris and the Countryside: Modern Life in Late 19th century France. James Tissot, Louise Abbema, Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec are some names worth mentioning. Their modern art collection was decent, I liked one piece by Jean Arp, a German-French sculptur who was a founding member of Dada in Zurich, called Star, it was meant to be some abstraction manifested.

The next day we went to Cape Elizabeth to see a lighthouse and Peaks Island to bike around. Things got pretty tense towards the end of the day. Dad was being ridiculous, unreasonable, agravating. Sometimes I can enjoy his eccentricities, but most of the time he just confuses me. Most of the time I don't know what to expect of him. I wouldn't be surprised if he got so angry he left us in Maine. I used to struggle with that, the possibility of being abandoned by him, or betrayed or something like that. I almost expect it now.

Early this week, I acquired a bamboo bird cage using store credit after returning a clock with Mao and a waving hand of his little red book on the face of it. There was nothing I really wanted, and on impulse, I chose the cage. The whole subway ride home I thought hard about what I might use it for. I kept thinking about a cage, its purpose, its use. It occured to me that a cage protects and traps and this idea was quite interesting to me. I'm going to use it in a photography project, I'm very excited about it.

Friday. I met with Nami, possibly for the last time before school starts. We saw Little Miss Sunshine, which I absolutely loved. The actors made the characters so real. The end was ridiculous, yet in the context of the family's history, almost made sense. Towards the end of the film, Steve Carell's character advises the miserable teenage boy of the family to cherish his teenage years, as in suffering there's growth (I read my previous post and this came to mind). In the entire film, the family suffers, but they come through, and triumph in their way. After, we met Dan, one of Nami's friends from Harvard. We talked and hung out in his hotel for a bit, before going to see Hot Chip at South Street Seaport. They are classified as electropop and their music was quite satisfying and fun to dance to. Then we met Dan and Nami's other Harvard friends in the meatpacking district for dinner. The district has never really interested me, an area I've regarded as mostly just trendy and lacking in character, but the dinner was nice for what it was. By the end of the night, I was glad I went to Swarthmore.

Saturday. I met with Camila for dimsum, and we caught up on each other's summers. I can't say I entirely enjoy the catching-up part, which isn't to say I don't enjoy hearing about people's lives, but it's really the work in a relationship. It's conversation, not discussion. Not sure if the distinction is entirely right, but it's something like that. We soon got to discussing though. After, we went to a museum on Himalayan art. I went to a wedding, and then met up with her again at the Brooklyn Museum. Later in the night, I dropped her off around Koreatown for karaoke with Xing.

Sunday. We met again for lunch at the only Chilean restaurant in the city. It was really good and so wonderful to have Camila share her experiences in Chile with us. We had Pisco Sours, made with Chilean brandy, which were yummy, and shared humitas and other dishes. Afterwards, we left for Williamsburg, so she could see what the people who live in the barn aspire to be. She was culture shocked when we got off the train. We soon found a place to sit and talk, a Thai place, and we ordered Poochi Poochi, the cutest sake ever. It even tasted cute. I kid. but it was tasty. We walked to the water, where these old men were sitting around and talking. They were kind and offered to help us walk out via the planks, but we declined. After walking some more, I sent her off on a Chinatown bus.

Camila is truly one of the only people I look forward to seeing at Swarthmore again. We discussed our plans for the future and dreams (it's to live in Oakland next summer, with internships from the Lang grant), and I'm so excited for them to happen. I just can't bear the feeling of waking up feeling like I don't know where I am even though I know perfectly well the location. At Swarthmore, I'm constantly being tested and I can't stand the uncertainty and insecurity, the transient nature of the place. I only want to go home. I discussed these things with Wendy on a walk today. I biked to her house and we got water ices from a place on Austin and Ascan. The walk was pleasant and easy. The talk was a bit heavy, but Wendy is good at listening and I'm comfortable around her. I felt less ambivalent by the end of it. I'm going to miss walking.

This is the second heat wave since I've been back, I was planning on riding the bike over to Magali's place, but that might not be possible for fear of heat exhaustion. The photography program has ended, it culminated with a show last night. I ended up liking most of the kids, their work being the best we've seen (I think. I can't quite recall all the other summers). The performance wasn't anything outstanding, which isn't to say that it wasn't worth seeing. Watching it, I kept thinking what a pivotal four years high school was. I spent most of it discounting a lot of what I felt, I simply attributed those feelings to being a teenager. Now that the program is over, I think I'll take August easy, spend more time with family and friends.

The day before, I got back from work and took a bike ride around the neighborhood listening to Yo La Tengo, I was so happy! Lately I've been thinking about college and just how much I'll miss the city and home. It's been a busy few weeks. I don't like the class I'm assisting, so many of them are just impatient or lack the willingness to do the work. I suppose my real complaint is that they lack passion for it. I'm glad I met Yesica though, one of the students, just a year younger than me. You can tell she's struggled a lot, there are only a few I've met that match in strength. Everything she does, she does with great deliberation.

Today I went to MoCA and got to know Eugene better on the subway ride back. He's really fun and often makes me laugh. We have very different temperments, it seems. He's much calmer than I am. Sometimes he'll just ask me if I'm alright, because I'll look nervous or worried, and that'll just be my natural state. We talked about relationships and agreed on many things. His relationship with his girlfriend is the reason that I'm so afraid to be in one. I can tell that he worries about it, but he seems able to keep it from affecting other areas of his life.

It's a rainy day and I'm listening to Yo La Tengo again.

When I was sweeping the backyard, I saw a feather and thought avian flu.

like ghosts coming out of their gossamer shrouds. medieval armor.